k a b i l u l u w a-soul exposed on a full moon

error is often the precursor of what is correct

2006-08-30T23:22:00.000+08:00

mao

pero, bakit paulit-ulit, nagkakamali ako, paulit-ulit nasasadlak sa balon ng kadiliman, at hindi ko makita ang butas ng kawastuhan.

ang hirap kumawala sa pyudal na kulturang humubog at niyakap ng aking pagkatao. ang hirap lubusin ng kalayaan. ang hirap magkubli sa mga matatalas na pagsusuri, sapagkat sa likod nito paulit-ulit, mali ako, paulit-ulit sinasabihan ko ang sarili ko, duwag ako.

tama si mao, at may panahon pa upang magwasto. hindi ito ang panahon ng pagsuko. sa gitna ng lumalalang panunupil ng rehimeng Arroyo, mas matatag na dapat panindigan ang panawagang MAKIBAKA, H'WAG MATAKOT!

hindi ko rin dapat supilin ang aking puso, kasabay ng panawagang ito, MAKIBAKA H'WAG MATAKOT! itutuloy ko ang laban! Palalayain ko ang aking sarili. Mamahalin kita ng lubusan at sisiguraduhin kong mararamdaman mo ang pagmamahal na iyan!

TULOY ANG LABAN!

morbidity 2 (2nd of a series)

2006-03-23T23:32:00.000+08:00

if i only have three months to live...

101 things i want to do before i die

1. bring nanay to baguio
2. itable sa inuman si kuya nestor at kuya luis
3. akyatin ang mt. apo kasama si ria, chen, ansie, rj, dondon, owen, renzy,, ronron, at nica.
4. manood ng sine kasama si tehya, tenny, temor
5. go shopping also with my three ates
6. attend kuya lambing's wedding
7. sponsor a walt disney film festival with all my pamangkins as guest of honor
8. ihatid si kuya vener sa airport
9. magvolunteer sa isang docu project for iwitness sa channl 7, ako ang magreport- rev. justice ang itopic ko.
10. magsponsor ng isang walt disney film festival
11. magsponsor ng walt disney soundtrack concert

"every child is special, you'll wonder where ordinary people like us came from..."

2006-03-14T19:54:00.000+08:00

linya ng bidang babae sa pelikulang code 46.

totoo sya dyan! kahit ako, nung bata ako, ispesyal din daw ako kwento ng mga utol ko. kaya pag nagkukuwento sila, bakas na bakas ang panghihinayang. yun tipong hindi man nila sabihin ay mararamdaman mong gusto nilang itanong, bakit ka kaya lumaki ng ganyan?

noong 2 years old daw ako, itinayo ako ng nanay sa mga garapon ng paninda nya (panginoong may sari-sari store ang nanay ko noon na nakapwesto sa stratehikong lugar, sa may gate ng palengke, kaya tambayan ng mga manginginom, lasenggo, mananaya at manunugal.) at nun ngang araw na iyon habang may grand alumni homecoming ang mga lumpen sa harapan ng aming tindahan, naisipan ng nanay kong ipagmahili ang ikasampu nyang anak. at idineklara sa lahat ng lumpeng kaharap nya, "magiging Miss Philippines ang bunso kong ito!" palakpakan naman daw ang mga lango sa ginebrang tinda ng nanay ko ang mga tao. ang kuya, hindi pa nasiyahan, ipinakita pa sa akin ang litratong magpapatunay na naganap ang deklarasyon ng aking kinabukasan.

come to think of it, natupad naman ang pangarap na un ng nanay ko, miss philippines naman ako ngayon...isang aktibistang pinopoblema ang hirap at kinabukasan ng bansang ito!

PROCLAMATIONS 1081 AND 1017--MARTIAL LAW DEJA VU

2006-02-28T10:55:00.000+08:00

(this is a forwarded message from a yahoogroup)

Marcos 1081:

NOW, THEREFORE, I ...do hereby command the armedforces of the Philippines to maintain law and orderthroughout the Philippines, prevent or suppress allforms of lawless violence as well as any act ofinsurrection or rebellion and to enforce obedience toall the laws and decrees, orders and regulationspromulgated by me personally or upon my direction.

GMA 1017:

NOW, THEREFORE, I ....do hereby command the ArmedForces of the Philippines to maintain law and orderthroughout the Philippines, prevent or suppress allforms of lawless violence as well any act ofinsurrection or rebellion and to enforce obedience toall the laws and to all decrees, orders andregulations promulgated by me personally or upon mydirection
+++++++++++++++++++++++

PROCLAMATION 1081

NOW, THEREFORE, I, FERDINAND E. MARCOS, President of the Philippines, by virtue of the powers vested> upon me by Article VII, Section 10, Paragraph ('2) of the Constitution, do hereby place the entire Philippines as defined in Article I, Section 1 of the Constitution under martial law and, in my capacity as their commander-in-chief, do hereby command the armed forces of the Philippines, to maintain law and order throughout the Philippines, prevent or suppress all forms of lawless violence as well as any act of insurrection or rebellion and to enforce obedience to all the laws and decrees, orders and regulations promulgated by me personally or upon my direction.

PROCLAMATION 1017

NOW, THEREFORE, I Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, President of the Republic of the Philippines and> Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of the Philippines, by virtue of the powers vested upon me by Section 18, Article 7 of the Philippine Constitution which states that: “ The President…whenever it becomes necessary,…may call out (the) armed forces to prevent or suppress…rebellion…, “ and in my capacity as their Commander-in-Chief, do hereby command the Armed> Forces of the Philippines, to maintain law and order throughout the Philippines, prevent or suppress all forms of lawless violence as well any act of insurrection or rebellion and to enforce obedience to all the laws and to all decrees, orders and regulations promulgated by me personally or upon my direction; and as provided in Section 17, Article 12 of the Constitution do hereby declare a State of National Emergency.

still on my birthday- a reflection

2006-02-22T16:58:00.000+08:00

birthday is one occasion that makes me reflective and sentimental. i guess having been involved in a movement for total change made me realize that birthdays call not only for celebration but also for reflection.

if organizationally, there’s an annual programming or biennial planning, and have regular dates for assessing and evaluating things it has and has not accomplished, personally, i have a birthday to reflect on the things i did and were not able to do.

for me, birthday is not just an occasion to celebrate being born or being alive. it is a venue to culminate three hundred and sixty-five days' full of experience in a person’s life and reflect on what or who you have become. have i been a better person? was i able to rectify bad habits? did i become more appreciative of people around me? by doing so, i’ll be able to define what will make me really happy on my next birthday.

thus, i can say, i am happier now, than last year. foremost, i have achieved stability. i have come into terms with myself, again. i said again, because i already did seven years ago when i made the most crucial decision in my life and went to a far away island. when i returned, i wasn’t the same again.

i realized that on my birthday last year. i haven’t totally forgiven myself for the wrong decisions i made in my life that i can’t move on without grudges. i keep on blaming myself without actually being true to resolutely rectify my errors. i end up disappointed and having this facade of contentment. but that’s a sham, totally insincere.

so, i told myself, gather your wits together. by humbly accepting your faults, you’ll be able to learn to forgive yourself and be able to move on genuinely. so i did. i learned to shut doors, to be able to see other openings. i learned to be more self-forgiving to be able to forgive others. i started to learn the art of humility again so that i can honestly face myself and be honest to others. i unlearned to learn more.

my self-rediscovery thus defines my happiness.

being at peace with myself, i am reunited with my work, fulfilling every duties by heart, thus my mind and body follows. it also strengthened my ties with my family. i don’t expect 100% understanding from them anymore, because i am assured of 100% respect well at placed.

three hundred and sixty five days added to my life, half of it spent with genuine and trusted friends, i will forever be thankful for. a major lesson on friendship though, is sifting friends. trust must be earned, no push buttons on this case. hence, to avoid being hurt, don’t give it all, leave some for yourself.

in the final analysis, i am not yet completely happy. i haven’t been completely honest. honesty dictates that i have to confess there’s still a part of me that wants to be a part of YOU. honesty prescribes that i still have to confront YOU in my life.

last year, i have been a coward to face YOU. even if YOU have become an essential part of me, i still didn’t have the guts to admit. for my self-reflection this year, i am obliged to totally liberate myself. i won’t say YOU will complete my happiness, but i know YOU are a part of it. so, for this new year of my life, a major resolution involves YOU. might have a positive or negative result, but surely, just by doing something about YOU in my life will mean a happy birthday for me as i conclude another three hundred and sixty five days of my life next year.

a love's song

2006-02-22T16:29:00.000+08:00

i have been searching
for myself
where am i going to
where will this journey lead me?
i have long been
trapped in a song
a song of love
i can't even sing
in the right tune
but i am still here
dancing along with the music
the litmus test:
finding the exact key for my voice
or is it finding my voice
to have the courage
to discover the right note
i may be out of tune
most of the time
but i'll continue with my task
singing that love song...
until i come across the harmony
i'm searching
all my life.

born on 14th of february

2006-02-20T19:32:00.000+08:00

being born on a valentine’s day has its pros and cons:

pro:
greetings come early. everybody’s excited. whenever valentines day is being publicized, people automatically think it’s my day and they would greet me na, kahit pa it’s a week earlier.

con:
since practically everybody’s greeting me ‘happy birthday’, nakaka-pressure. you’ll want to please them, and make their wish come true and indeed have a happy birthday! but what if i don’t want to be happy that day? what if for a change, i want that day to be an ordinary, uneventful, or may be eventful but not necessary happy? does it mean i’ll fail those ‘happy wishers?’

pro:
nobody forgets. all my friends from luzon, visayas and mindanao greeted me. even my nieces abroad, took time to greet me. my grade and high school friends remembered, even my college barkadas. yung kalaro ko noon, which i haven’t seen ages ago, managed to get my number and greeted me at 1 o’clock in the morning. di ba katouch?

con:
flowers are expensive! all my life, i remember having to receive flowers on my birthday only four times!
1. on my 18th birthday, courtesy of marlon who happened to be working in a flowershop then. he made a wrist bouquet mula sa mga reta-retasong bulaklak na sobra sa orders.
2. 1995, ada gave me a white rose, bigay sa kanya ng suitor nya.
3. 2004, joshua gave me a bouquet of 3 red roses, pero binigay nya, 2 or 3 days before, kaya actually, hindi counted yun.
4. last year, again, ada, my beloved friend gave me flowers. “hay, awit, katumbas ng 2 araw na sahod ng manggagawa ang mga bulaklak na ito,” she said while handing me a bouquet of 3 peach roses.

generally however, i am still thankful to be born on the 14th of february. this gives me a reason to be happy, even if the happy-valentine's-day aspect of it has always been irrelevant to me. (bitter ba?)

(ps, another con, kabirthday ko si kris aquino!)

walang pamagat

2005-12-11T16:27:00.000+08:00

tilamsik ng putik

sa duguan mong paa

kirot ng sakit

sa sugat ng pagsasamantala

hinuhukay na libingan

ng iilang gahamang

nabubuhay sa

sementetryong putikan

bubungkalin ang lupang

kalansay ang laman

masangsang na amoy

ng pagdarahop

kasakiman

mangingibabaw sa

sangkatauhang

gigising sa

tulog na kamulatan

lupa ng kabuhayan

larangan ng mga labanan

babangon ang kasaysayan

sa bago at mas maigting

na tipo ng digmaan

tilamsik ng dugo

sa sugatan mong paa

busilak na tagumpay

sa mahal mong ina

wala ka na

2005-12-04T13:14:00.000+08:00

kung may ilang araw nang nananalanta ang unos... pagal ang katawan... pagod ang isip...bugbog ang puso...kadalasang, masalimuot ang buhay...ikaw ang nagsisilbing liwanag...ngunit wala nang mahika ang iyong presensya? hindi na kita maaninag ni maramdaman. tuluyan ka nang naglaho...

masaker!

2005-11-25T16:49:00.000+08:00

ang alam ko, pag tinawag na LABANAN o ENGKWENTRO, may tunggalian, nasa pantay na posisyon ang dalawang panig na naglalaban. kapag sinabing nagkaputukan, ibig sabihin parehong may armas, parehong may baril.

tangama! mamamatay tao na nga ang mga lintik na sundalong ito, bobobohin pa tayo! sinasabi nila na ang nangyari daw sa palo, leyte ay lehitimong labanan sa pagitan ng mga elemento ng 19th IBPA at ng mga rebeldeng NPA. sa katunayan ay nakasamsam pa sila ng baril. tangama nyo! heto ang katotohanan:

8 ang patay sa hanay ng mga magsasaka, kasama dito ang 7-bwang sanggol sa loob ng sinapupunan ng isang inang napatay din!
11 ang sugatan!
6 ang inaresto!
18 pa ang nawawala!

WALA NI ISANG GALOS ANG MGA PUTANGAMANG SUNDALO! pano naging labanan yun? anong laban meron an magsasaka sa M203, granada at matataas na kalibre ng baril na bigla na lang ipinaulan sa mga magsasakang nasa lugar na iyon upang magtanim?

a-21 ng madaling araw, mahigit kumulang na 50 magsasaka mula sa bayan ng palo at ang iba ay taga karatig-bayan ng alang-alang, nagtitipon ang mga magsasaka para sa isang balik-uma activity. ang ibig sabihin ng balik-uma, balik sa sakahan. matagal ding naabandona ang lupang iyon dahil sa tunggalian sa pagitan ng nagsasabing nagmamay-ari at sa hanay ng magsasaka. ngunit noong 1996, iginawad ng DAR sa pamamagitan ng CARP ang lupa sa mga magsasaka. maraming beses na hinaharas, tinakot at sinira ang kanilang mga pananim ng mga pribadong goons ng dating may-ari.

lupa ang kabuhayan at buhay ng mga magsasaka. nag-organisa sila ng isang kooperatiba upang ayusin ang laban nila sa lupang iyon. pinagtibay ng DARAB ang desisyon ng DAR, napasamagsasaka ang lupa sa pamamagitan ng CLOA.

at nang umaga ngang yon, naghahanda ang mga magsasaka upang pagyamanin muli ang lupang napabayaan ng matagal na panahon. nag-imbita pa sila ng mga media, lokal na opisyal upang saksihan ang kanilang pagsasalo sa tagumpay. para sa mga magsasaka, isang pyesta, isang pagbubunyi ang itapak ang paa sa putik, ang araruhin ito sapagkat ito ang nagbibigay ng buhay at kinabukasan sa kanila, sa kanilang pamilya at sa buong bansa.

sa mga berdugong sundalo humihiram ng tapang sa baaril, krimen ang maging magsasaka.

sa gubyernong ito, kamatayan ang katapat ng naninindigan para sa karapatan.

sa lipunang ito, may panahon ang katarungan. hindi dito magtatapos, may panahon ng paniningil!

2005-11-25T15:55:00.000+08:00

thoughts for the day

2005-11-23T15:13:00.000+08:00

"theory becomes purposeless if it is not connected with revolutionary practice;

practice gropes in the dark if its path is not illuminated by revolutionary theory."

stalin

"marxism and lenninism is a science, and science means honest,

solid knowledge, there is no room for tricks.

let, us then, be honest."

mao

or simply put, honesty is still the best policy!

dancing with alma

2005-11-08T11:40:00.000+08:00

i haven't read a book assiduously for some time now. the last book i read was the book 6 of the infamous harry potter adventure. not having the time is a feeble excuse. i can give up sleeping when i like the book i’m reading. its just that, these days, i can’t focus on reading. i have started skimming some books from the hanging bookshelf in the house but i never get pass chapter 1. i easily loose my interest.

not until i got this book, dancing with cuba, a memoir of the revolution, written by alma guillermoprieto, a mexican writer who volunteered as a dance instructor in cuba in 1970. it’s a personal reflection of the writer's short-stint in cuba.

alma was an apolitical person when she went to cuba. a dancer from new york, alma was seeing the revolution in cuba from the perspective of an outsider. what’s interesting though, is that she finds the revolution as a sincere effort of the cuban people to liberate themselves and that it is inspiring enough, she herself reflects and strives to understand its depth.

in alma’s letter to jorge, her mexican friend, she wrote:

"…what’s turning to be hardest for me is this revolution. or rather, understanding what one must do in order to be a revolutionary. i’m beginning to understand that i’ve been greatly deformed by capitalism before coming here, and i see that what you were saying about the dangers of individualism is true. it takes a great deal of effort for me to stop thinking about myself. the other day for example, i was actually glad, deep down inside, when they told me that because of my cough (which is a lot better now, by the way) i wouldn’t donate blood for the people injured in the earthquake in peru. even though they’re in the most desperate situation imaginable, and we’ve been following it on the news here each day, and even fidel himself went to donate blood. i acted frustrated me not be able to go, and it did, a little bit, but not enough. i understand that this is a serious failing, and that i don’t know how to change. i mean that if i were to transform into a revolutionary like che, i would cease completely to be myself, and i can't help being scared of that."

what i appreciate in the book is the account of her experiences not from an ideological perspective but from a layman’s description. it is not rhetoric nor jargon but an objective presentation oaf what she experienced and what she felt about it.

reading the book is almost like dancing with alma. her description of cuba’s condition during those trying moments made me understand better what mao had said: revolution is not a party, not the first stage, not even after victory. i haven't finished reading the book yet, but so far, i can relate to alma’s dilemma: the desire to fully understand the fundamentals of a revolution and an almost resistance from within of the sacrifices that comes with understanding.

i am the last witness to my body
i feel myself feeling
the cold of marble
and the green
and black
of my thoughts
i am the last witness to my body

(ortiz de montellano)

yes, alma, sometimes, that's also how i feel…

a poem from bon...(a part of a forlorn past...i'd be willing to rectify...)

2005-11-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

hinubog ng iyong lambing, ng aking pag-aalala

at ng rebousyon, naguhit natin ang

damdamin

pinatunayan ng mahigpit nating paghawak

kamay, bago mo hinawakan ang baril

ang pag-ibig

pinatibay ng iyong paghihintay at ng

aking pagsunod sa piling ng magsasaka

ang pagbubuo ng relasyon

ingay ng kuliglig, busina ng sasakyan

ang ating naririnig, himagsikan!

nagwakas na ang lumang bagay nang

masaid ang kinakailanmgan ng relasyon

umuulan kaya doon ngayon?

ngunit kinapos ang pagtutuwid ng

kahinaang tumatak. mungkahing sakramento

ay lason

wala pang sagot sa mga tanong

dumidilim ang sangangdaan

kasama, nandyan ka pa ba?

mali man ang kasagutan

kongkreto man ang daan...

ang paghuhubog, pagpapatunay at pagpapatibay

hanggang sa tagumpay...

maghihintay ka pa ba kasama?

letters from the past, 2nd part

2005-11-07T23:35:00.000+08:00

the second batch of letters was stuffed in a crumbled and muddy envelope placed in a bag i haven’t had the time to unpack since i came back from mindanao, almost five years ago. i took the envelope out and started reading the letters i remembered i was advised to burn, but i didn’t.

i can’t burn these letters for they meant more than just memories; these are constant reminders of strength i gained all through the years, these letters are source of strength. more so, their senders…

in that obscure place, i longed for a sense of familiarity...a sense of belongingness, and these letters have never failed to slap me and made me face the harsh realities of the life i choose.

september 8, 1999

awit
minamahal kong kaibigan, kahati sa yosi, sa pagkain, kahati sa laksang mga sakaripisyo, sa masalimuot na landas ng paghuhubog ng sarili, buddy sa gawain, kadugtong ng aming bituka, puso at isipan, kasama sa pagsusulong ng ndr, hayaan mong ihatid ko ang aking mapulang pagpupugay!

kamusta,ang eksplorasyon? marahil pakat ka na ngayon, alam kong lipos ang kagalakan na nararamdaman mo sa bago mong gawain. nasa totoong buhay na tayo, bok! sa tanghalan ng drb, sa bulwagan ng mdb. kagaya dati, sa panahon ng inip, balisa, o ano pa man: relak, take it esy, cool lang, ganyan naman tayo di ba? if symptoms persist consult the collective, the comrades. sabi nga nila, hayaang pandayin tayo nito. dahil dito raw napapanday, nasusubok ang tatag-sa krisis.

ako naman ngayon, maayo, kauban, natutuwa, sa mga kadahilanang:

1. chalenging ang bago kong gawain; 2. maayos na kami ni levi;3. kahit hindi tayo nag-abot nagka-usap tayo;4.reunion natin-absent ka nga lang (hehehe)

bok, marami pa talaga tayong matututuhan na mga aralin ng reb kaya talagang napakasaya. masalimuot din, syempre ang takbo ng pag-alam, tama yung sinabi mo noon, o si mao ata,hold firmly sa principles ang susi sa lahat. totoong buhay na yung mga papel na ginampanan natin sa sining posas. higit pa tayong magpakahusay sa susunod na yugto ng pakikihamok. wag nating hayaang wasakin tayo ng uring itinatakwil natin, lubusin pa natin ang pagtatakwil, papel natin lahat yan.

mas lalo kong nakikilala ang sarili ko sa gawain. kung hanggang saan ko sa isang panahon at paano ito hihigitan upang malubos. sabi mo nga, sama-sama, damay-damay na tayo dito. malaki yung bahagi ng bawat isa sa atin sa kinalalagyan natin ngayon. sa pamamagitan ng ed, pulong-sitcom, informal talks na seryoso. marami tayong natutunan sa isa't-isa na nagbigay tanglaw at lakas ng loob upang sumuong tayo sa ganitong buhay. wala akong masabi, salamat ng marami! kaya jackpot ako, nakasama ko kayo, at kayo rin jackpot!

bawi na lang ako sa susunod, magkikita pa tayo! hindi maaaring hindi pwede dahil may panahon naman para dyan. nga lang, hindi natin alam kung kailan. basta wag mainip. gawin mo sulyap ka lang sa bahaging norte (hindi relatibo ang n-e-w-s, paalala ko lang) tumuntong ka sa pinakamataas na bahagi at kumaway, siguraduhin mo lang na hindi ka natatakpan ng talahib o kung anumang nilikha dyan. makikita mo ako, kumakaway din sa iyo...

miss ka talaga namin, kitakita kami, kasama si poch na ang kulit-kulit na. tawa ng tawa pagkagising! pagtulog, e di pikit! hehe. tamo, ganon yata talaga, pana-panahon, nagkakataong nandoon sia sa malapit kaya nagharap-harap, kamustahan, kainan, at konti-konting inuman lang...

bueno, dito na lang muna ako, kasama. mag-iingat ka parati dyan. kumain kung meron. wag pabayaan ang kalusugan, bukod sa prinsipyo mahalagang armas din ito sa gawain natin. at higit sa lahat, parati mong tatandaan, mahal na mahal ka namin.

mabuhay ka at sulong sa tagumpay!

jan frank vincent

kabilugan ng buwan buwan ng kabilugan

2005-11-05T13:38:00.000+08:00

kabilugan ngayon ng buwan
lalabas ang mga mangkukulam sa gulod
sasayawan ang mga tuod
hahagkan ang mga anino sa dilim
hanggang lukuban ng makapal na itim
na ulap ang liwanag ng buwan
at ang mga halakhak ng diwata
ay lalamunin ng dilim
bubuka ang lupa
lalabas ang mga anito
upang ihudyat ang
lagim ng paniningil
sapagkat ang mga saglit ng araw
ang mga ritwal ng tag-araw
tag-ulan, tag-ani
kabilugan ng buwan
ang syang bumubuo ng
kasaysayan
ng ating panahon.

letters from the past, first of a series

2005-11-05T12:27:00.000+08:00

it had been a long weekend, indeed! its a weekend of bridging the past and the present. in a nostalgic mood, i took out old letters smelled of combined dust, mold and rust from a built-in cabinet in what is now my nanay’s room.

it used to be my room. a sanctuary whenever i want some peace of mind away from the everyday contradictions of the life of a full-time organizer in the youth and students movement. a place for hibernation whenever i want to discover my creative vibes. above all, it was my escape grounds whenever i want to feel the few remaining luxuries of bourgeois life- a place to call your own, my private property – my room.

eventually, i also have to give it up when i went to mindanao…but that’s another story.

so, in nanay’s room, i salvaged what remains of my silahis days. of my mafioso adventure where ‘we’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse’ mode of philosophy is governing, unofficially though. it was those times of thirst and hunger, literally and figuratively. a commitment of life and death consigned voluntarily. a vow for sacrifice accepted from the determination to end all sacrifices in the world dominated by the ruling class. it was the period of ‘first times’: you’ll learn your class origin; was challenged to hate it and to clinch the liberating class of the proletariat; and then you’ll find yourself in a permanent dilemma of holding on or letting go…

it is in this situation that these letters were written…

awit,

oo, lilisan ako. hindi para talikuran ang salamin at balikan ang lumang bahay.
minsan, nagbalik ako…binuksan ang mga baul ng mga tala-aklatan…ang mga piping saksi sa mga dapat at sana ng burgis kong katauhan.
oo, lumisan na ako para sa ilang buwang paghalaw ng mga bagong karanasan…oo lumisan ako sa gitna ng maraming alinlangan at pag-aalaga ng maraming pero.
oo, limisan ako…di tiyak kung may pag-asam pa ring bumalik habang may bumabanaag-banaag na ilaw pa sa daraanan. pero may nagtutulak sa akin na bumalik upang tuluyang pundihin ang mga ilaw sa poste. ayoko nang makita ang mga ilaw. nasisilaw na ako sa kanila. pero hindi na nila ako kayang bigyan ng liwanag. hindi na nila kayang gabayan ang aking paghakbang.
…tumawid ako. mas malayo. mas malalim ang lubak. bumabaon na ang paa ko sa mga putik, pilit kong inaahon, naghahanap ng mas matatag ng mga gulod. subalit maraming putik ang naiiwan sa paa ko. …hindi ko matiyak kung gusto ko pang alisin ang putik. kumakapit sila kahit nahugasan ko na’y mayroon at mayroong naiiwan sa talampakan at sa gilid ng binti.
hindi ko tiyak kung huhugasan ko pa. tutuloy ba ako sa pagtawid? hanggang saan ko kaya kayang ilublob ang paa sa putikan? hanggang saan ko kaya kayang putikan ang sarili ko?
maraming tanong.
maraming agam-agam
pinapatay ako ng mga ala-ala.
magpakatatag ka kasama.

Ley-ann

ps
i terribly miss you. sana magkita tayo sa pasko. grow up! be the person that you are now. stop lingering on things 'that could have been' and 'could be'. you…now…is…you…acceptance of it is the only way to face reality. take care. gampanan ang gawaing iniatas. ingat lagi.

***********************************************************************************

awit,

alam ko may problema. hindi na kailangang ipaliwanag ng mga salita ang biglaang pag-eempake at mga lumilipad sa hanging pasaring hinggil sa buhay na tinatahak natin.

panahon na naman ba ng pag-uwi? akala ko ba, sisilip na lang tayo, pero hindi na uuwi? humihiyaw ang malupit na reyalidad sa kahabaan ng aurora avenue. nagpapatunay sa pangangailangang isulong ang demokratikong rebolusyon ng bayan.

alam ko...hindi ka uuwi. kung may rpoblema maaari namang pag-usapan. mahirap ang basta umuwi at iniipon ang reserbasyon. nanggaling na ako dyan at nagsayaw na kami ni ely ng huling el bimbo. baka kailangan mo lang ng 2 o 3 araw na pahinga. usap tayo. tawag ka lang sa opis. dial a comrade.

cielo

***************************************************************************************************************

for cyl, to let you know, i sincerely understand what you're going through right now...

july 5, 1995

awit,

...lumalalim na ang gabi. ilang minuto na lang umaga na...hatinggabi na nga eh...gusto ko ng umuwi...di ba ikaw rin...seryoso ka ba? hindi ko na minsan matantya ang seryoso at biro sa ating dalawa. lalong dumidilim sa labas. natatakot na akong lumabas. pero kung hindi ako uuwi, lalong didilim, baka hindi ako makabalik...ang labo-labo na talaga...natatakot na ako. wala na ang dating ilaw sa poste na maaaring gumabay sa masalmuot na mga daan...malamlam na rin ang ilaw sa poste. ilang panahon pa at tiyak na ang pagkatigok nito...ayokong abutin nito. gusto kong maglakad pabalik habang may natitirang liwanag sa poste...baka sakaling pagbalik...pag-uwi...makita ko ang malaking bahay, baka doon...baka sakali...mabalik ako sa ulirat...sa pagharap sa kahubdan ng sarili ko...doon...at doon muli akong magtatanong...mag-iisip...magninilay sa maraming bagay...sa mga letseng ismo...sa mga ibagsak...sa mga wakasan...sa mlkmz...sa...ang dami! sa pagharap sa bukas...sa pagtanggap sa kahapon...sa anong gagawin ko ngayon??? paano nga ba gumising ng hindi napapagod...ng hindi masakit ang tagiliran ng katawan...ng sigurado ang patutunguhan... o, pano, pangatawanan na lang ito...napasubo na eh. loko ba ito o seryoso na ito. ang lalim na ng balon na nalundagan natin. baka malagot ang lubid...baka wala ng humila pabalik...PAANO NA???? uuwi na ba ako?????????????????????????? baka lalong dumilim, baka di ako makabalik???bakit uuwi pa kung babalik din? ang labo-labo na ng ilaw sa poste. ganonpaman tumatangan ako sa kakauntng ilaw/liwanag na naibigay nito. uuwi ako?? sasama ka?? hwag na, hintayin mo na lamang ako babalik naman agad ako eh. pagbalik ko mas matatag na ako. iilawan ko ang mga bombilyang natigok na sa mga poste...o dili kaya hihintayin ko ang pagbubukang liwayway para sa mas maliwanag at maaliwalas ang dadaanan ko. madilim na kasi...ayokong matulog, ayoko namang dumiretso sa paglakad baka matipalok ako o mahulog sa bangin, maui pang bumalik na habang may lamlam pang natitira sa bombilya, para sigurado pang sa pag-uwi mui akong makakabalik. hintayin mo ak ah... cielo

i was petrified

2005-10-04T15:12:00.000+08:00

'came from a mob this morning. sa mendiola, to challenge the no permit no rally policy of the arroyo regime. went there as paralegal. was supposed to act as 'right defender'. pero nung nakita kong binubugbog ng mga malalaking mamang pulis ang isang manggagawa sa harap ko, nakita kong pinoposasan sya ng isang hindi unipormadong lalaki habang sakal sakal ng ilang pulis, i was petrified. hindi ako nakagalaw. nawala ang yabang ko, nawala ang tapang ko. hindi ko alam kung bakit...ang alam ko, hinihintay ko syang dalhin dahil nasa isip ko, sasama ko pag isinakay sya o pag binitbit sya. pero hindi ako nagtangkang umawat. dahil ayokong masakatan? natatakot akong masaktan?

and nowi feel the guilt...

addendum

2005-09-28T12:26:00.000+08:00

addendum to my last will and testament

i will leave sofia of my chopsticks collection to remind her of dinner dates we shared as stress-relievers. i want her to know i do appreciate her friendship...

umalis ka na kanina

2005-09-28T12:12:00.000+08:00

bakante na ang kabilang kwarto ng bahay. anim na bwan na pala ang nakaraan. parang kaylan lang ng sinundo ka namin sa airport. nagsalo tayo sa isang hapunan at kinumpleto mo ang cast ng bahay na yon sa isang sulok ng brgy. pinyahan.

umalis ka na kanina...dala mo ang mga gamit na halos walang nadagdag nang ikaw ay dumating. malungkot, mabigat sa kalooban.

maraming naganap sa anim na bwan, away, tampuhan, alaskahan, inisan...pero sa kabila non, nagbabati, nagtatawanan, nag-uusap, nag-aagapayan, isa ka nang kaibigan, katulong sa buhay na itong hindi pangkaraniwan.

mami-miss kita. mami-miss ka namin. sino na ang bibili ng tubig? ng pandisal, mag-iinit ng tubig pangkape? sino na ang magbabayad ng kuryente? sino na ang tatao sa bahay, magsasaing at magtatapon ng basura?

alam kong sa iyong paglisan, baon mo ang mga alaalang ito na ating pinagsaluhan sa kapirasong bahagi ng ating buhay. isang saglit ngunit buong-buhay na mamamalagi sa atin bilang karansan. katulad din naming, hindi ka na makakalimutan.

umalis ka na kanina...ang sabi mo sa akin, isang araw paiiyakin mo ko. sumpa mo, gaganti ka sa lahat ng pang-aalaska ko sayo at pipikunin mo ko. kanina, naiyak ako sa tahimik mong paglisan...

morbidity

2005-09-08T18:47:00.000+08:00

panay-panay na naman ang pananakit ng likod ko. stress, puyat siguro. wakanabitch kasing yosi na hindi kayaning once and for all ay i-give up. anyways, times like this, i am again hit by morbidity. it seems as if there’s a small voice inside me that says: mamamatay ka na, mangku!

it’s not that i am afraid of death. that’s one thing i learned from my mother, there is nothing to be afraid of death because it is as natural as giving birth. her exact words, pinaghahandaan ito, hindi kinatatakutan.

i still don’t want to die yet. but if it’s something inevitable i think i am prepared, i have my last will and testament all ready.

MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

i, awit guerrerro, bestow the following as my last will and testament…

have my body cremated because witches do die in burning. as a modern witch, i will be burned in a cheerful atmosphere. accessorize the funeral garden where the cremation will take place with red and white flowers combined with orange, blue and yellow balloons. have my cremation at dawn on the 8th day of my death. jazz music of norah jones can provide the solemnity. however, during the sprinkling of my dust in front of our church, i want it changed in 80’s new wave music.

my friends and loved ones are allowed to cry only on the first day of my wake. i want the rest of it to be festive and jubilant because i lived a good life and that my death is just a conclusion of this beautiful life i had…

i want the parangal to be done on the last night of my wake. It should have the theme: life is beautiful especially if devoted to struggle for liberation and serving the people. it should reflect the passion, death and resurrection of a petty-b individual to a trying hard proletarian until the last breath. no massleaders are allowed to speak on my parangal, exceptions to those who have become my friends in the movement. i want the program to be divided in parts: 1: my pre-movement life; 2: my life in the movement 3: my struggles to remould and make my self worthy of my commitment 4: how will my comrade-friends remember me 5: my dreams and aspirations to the movement, to my society and to world in general (tipong articulated as challenges ko).

if my family is willing, i want the casket be made of glass, and my body be surrounded of big sunflowers.

i will leave all my diaries to joshua de luna, the best friend i had who i know loves me just the way i am (siguro kasi mahal ko rin sya the way he is) provided that he’ll encode everything, edit ( basta grammatical and choice of words lang ang gagalawin, the style of writing will be maintained at lahat ng angst and side comments!) and have it published as an autobiography book. on the otherhand, i am giving him full independence to write the acknowledgement (under bea's supervision hehe) provided he’ll mention the people i hated most (kasi kahit papa’no these people challenged me to be a better person.)

i will leave all my frames with my pictures in it and my jazz cd collections to beatriz, provided she’ll claim in my parangal that i am the bestest friend she had and have gohan sing and dedicate it to lucky mommy.

i will leave ada my accessories (i.e. bracelets, anklets, dangling earrings and bags) provided she’ll not utter the words “ i love you” when she speaks in my parangal.

i will leave cielo my kikay kits, to remind her of my infamous advise: if you look good, you feel good and if you feel good, you’ll look good (in other words, friend, hindi ka kagandahan, kaya mag-effort ka.)

i will leave my sun wall clock to reggie, to remind her of the times I have been a friend to her and to provide her of some light to her life.

i will leave lila all my feel-good-vcd’s para maalala nya na ako parati ang kasama nyang nanonood ng sine na kahit comedy ang palabas ay iniiyakan nya, especially kung ang eksena na ay magtatapat na ng pag-ibig ang bidang lalake sa bidang babae…

my pangjaporms blouses, and pants plus, my bayo sneakers (na paborito nyang suot) are for an-an (my housemate), for i know she feels beautiful in it, provided na magsisipag na syang maglinis ng bahay and that she’ll not cry during my parangal.)

i will leave my books on women and women liberation and empowerment to hoho, also a housemate. i hope with these books, he’ll learn to appreciate the real essence of gender equality. that way, lalaya din sya.

my cellphone is for sandino so that he’ll know na wala akong binuburang message nya for the last three months, at texts nya parati ang ina-anticipate ko. that his texts have been part of my system already and that my day is not complete without them. i also will leave him of my full moon and sun collections to remind him that after that night together under the full moon, i never looked at it the same way again.

i will leave bong, also known as voldemort, most of my beautiful pictures with no provision at all. la lang, gusto ko lang na multuhin sya ng alaala ko. if spirits are for real, i want to test these on him, i’ll get back on him when i die, hihigitin ko ang kanyang mga paa at anupa mang pwedeng higitin sa kanya!

i will leave all my kitchen equipment to pepe, benjie, sachem, and gunggung (on a first come first serve basis), provided they’ll organize a foundation under my name, in the spirit of comradeship and friendship.

i will leave all my remaining pants and blouses, plus my sandals and shoes and my jackets and sweaters to chenchen and ansie, my beloved cousins, eheste, nieces pala.

all my literary attempts and masterpieces will be for ria. i know, only she can appreciate those things bilang talento.

this will shall be read immediately after my death with all the people concerned present. and my testament on a full moon, habang nag-iinuman basta’t hindi ako ang pupulutanin.

bequeath on this day, september 8, 2005

sa mga mangkus ng makabagong panahon...

2005-09-02T16:14:00.000+08:00

bitter herb

if you would poison your mind
with bitter herb of self-hate,
nothing can save you;
not the lover who comes in the night
smelling of pitch and brimstone,
not the husband who comes in the light
smelling of hay and the golden turds of mares,
not the mother with the posioned apple,
not the daughter with her wreaths of roses and opium poppies
not the sister with her rosemary sue
not the brother with the mandrake root.

havingg driven out the demons of the past
we find them now within
no witches burn in the market
but our minds resolve upon their own spitits;
no crucifixion upon calvary
but a daily torture in the hills of the skull
no smell of burning female flesh upon the heath;
but the acrid odor of the ehart slowly smoldering.

what witchcraft will it take
to bend this world to our will?
must we burn poisonous herbs
to kill the poisons in the streams?
must we wear poultices of henbane
and deadly nightshade
against the very air?

o take this garlic rosary,
this taken of death's breath,
this possessed vegetable.
this bulb of dried desire.
i am sick of haunting myself
from within like an old house.
i would be happier
as a haunted witch.

dahil nandyan ka nga...pero parang wala

2005-09-02T15:41:00.000+08:00

"alien always and always present, it never leaves me, a dumb, invinsible, bodiless presence, constant witness to my life. it does not talk to me but i, at times, hear what its silence tell me: that afternoon you began to be yourself - when you discovered me you discovered your absence, your hollow; you discovered yourself. you now know: you are lack and quest." octavio paz

“have-the-nerve-to-say-i-love-you” to the man you desire concoction

2005-08-30T11:35:00.000+08:00

You have loved him for so long. He completes you. And for the longest time, wants to express that love to him…but you just can’t find the nerve to do so. Fear and anxiety is killing you…but you have to set yourself free … you just have to do it!

This concoction is for you, sister…

Ingredients:
Half cup of cypress leaves, whole
Half cup of bergamot leaves, whole
Five leaves of chamomile roman, crushed
Five leaves of geranium, crushed

Cooking equipment needed:
Two new clay pots
5 pcs of firewoods
wooden spoon

Directions:

The potion has to be prepared on a full moon.

1. set the cooking area. Set the wood on fire balancing the five firewoods with enough room for air. Use blackhead matchstick to set them on fire. Never use gas or paper . Let the natural heat of the wood takes it course, when it reached its medium heat, put the clay pot on the fire for at least three minutes to get rid of bad vibes.
2.while waiting for the pot to get hot, wash the cypress leaves, once. Put them on the pot while still wet. Cover the pot and wait for five minutes for the leaves to steam, if you smell the aroma coming out of the pot, lift it from the fire. set aside, don’t open the cover.
3. repeat the same process with the bergamot leaves.
4.while waiting for the steamed cypress and bergamot to get cold, wash your hands in preparation for the extraction ritual. Never use soap. Use salt for washing, relieve your hands with all the negative energy. Massage your hands with rock salt until you feel nothing but ease and buoyancy, then rinse. Dry your hands with soft- white towel.
5.uncover the steamed cypress and squeeze with all your strength the liquid from the leaves to a crystal mug. Remember to squeeze strongly because you have to get all the extract in just one squeezing. Repeat the process with the bergamot steam into the same crystal mug.
6. put the crushed geranium on top of the extract and then the chamomile roman. Stir with the wooden spoon.
7.drink the concoction slowly and leisurely, few hours before you face your desired one…

Combined with the aura of trust, the cypress extract will give you the confidence of being outspoken and direct. The bergamot extract will cast a spell of persuasion on you. Your magical words of declaration of love will be hard to resist. Geranium balances the effect of the two extract, it creates the aggressive and passive effect of life to keep your wisdom intact. And after a while, chamomile roman will stabilize your emotional state. After all the point is just for a declaration of love, so if the result is contrary to what you expect, you can add some more chamomile roman leaves to the extract. It will help you to humbly accept his answer. Hi!h!ihi!hi!Hik!

love magick

2005-08-30T11:34:00.000+08:00

oh for a candle I could light
to draw you closer…
oh for a poppet
made like you,
with your own lovely body
sewn again of cloth
with your own pale
unseeing eyes
with your own cock sweetly curving
remade in wax or clay…

oh for an herb
to place my tongue
to bring your tongue
to mine…

oh for a potion
i could drink
or slip to you
at some stale
dinner party…

oh for your nail pairings…
oh for your hairs
stirred in brew,
baked in a millet cake…

i would make a stew,
a soup, a witch’s mix
to bring your lovely thighs
on mine.

i would boil bats if not babies
and toads if not theologians
to make you care…

i would enter your blood
like malaria, enter your eyes
like laser beams, enter your palms
like the holy spirit
causing stigmata
to a sex-starved saint!

of love,
i would spell you
evol
if mere anagrams
would bring you
near…

but I spell love
and still
you do not
hear.

baliw na mangkukulam

2005-08-26T10:46:00.000+08:00

potek! hindi ka man lang nagtetext. matapos mo kong abalahin nung isang araw pa, hanggang kahapon ng umagang-umaga, wala ka man lang effort na magkwento anung nangyari. hindi mo man lamang naisip na interisado at concern ako sa naging resulta ng lakad mo!

potek! hindi ka man lang sumasagot sa text ko. matapos mong tawag-tawagan ako isang madaling araw na para bang mahalagang malaman ko na paalis ka na, hindi mo sasagutin ang text ko na 'ingats.'

potek! hindi ka man lamang nagpaparamdam! matapos mo akong bigyan ng sandamakmak na dahilan para gustuhin ka! matapos mong sungkit-sungkitin ang aking damdamin, kilikilitiin ang aking puso, at nung finally kinikilig na ako sayo, nung finally hina-hanap-hanap na kita, potek! asan ka?

tamamo, i love you na!

potek! talaga! bibigyan kita ng maghapon, pag hindi ka pa nagparamdam...

bukas naman uli ako maghihintay! hahahaha! huhuhuhuhuhu! hahahahaha!huhuhuhuhu!

litanya ng isang fulltimer...

2005-08-25T19:27:00.000+08:00

tubig na lang ang laman ng ref
bente pesos na lang ang laman ng pitaka ko
putol ang linya ng cellphone ko
tambak ang labada, walang oras maglaba,
dumating na ang resibo ng tubig kanina.
manipis na ang sabon ko
magaang na ang bote ng shampoo
paubos na rin ang lotiong bigay ng ate
hindi makanood ng sine
gusto ko ng tsokolate
yosi na lang kayang bilhing libangan
tataas na naman ang pamasahe
bilihin, tubig,
kuryente,
at ang presidente pwe!
potek!
malabo pa ang lovelife!
letse!
imperyalismo ibagsak talaga!

sentimentalism

2005-08-03T12:32:00.000+08:00

“The problem with you is you’re very sentimental…” Sounds accusing, but most of the time this comes as a reminder from friends who care.

Though sometimes, this is being confronted by a defensive me… “so what’s wrong with being sentimental?” I would snap back.

This morning, I realized sentimentalism is a real problem!

I have a package of pili nuts in my drawer at the office. I think it was there since November. I remember a friend from somewhere brought it when he came over here in manila. I was touched by the thoughtful gesture because the guy happens to be my crush. I wanted something to remember him by, so I saved that pack.

Of course, I still remember the guy, but the pili nuts already forgotten. Two hundred and sixty seven days later, I opened the drawer, gone were the pili nuts along with some documents I need to use now for my report…

So what’s wrong with being sentimental? La lang, dinadaga lang! Bad trip!

i dreamt of you last nyt...

2005-08-02T12:31:00.000+08:00

...and you were so vividly ambiguous.

my august moon

2005-08-01T16:37:00.000+08:00

my august moon like blooming bushes
stirs me to tenderness
i sit on velvet grass to breathe freshness
there's pleasure passing under countless trees
joyful is my walk by the shore
carried by waves that roar from the ocean deep
i am lifted to the soar of mountain tips
to the music cascading waterfalls make
and find a deep calm and peace
in village church, still
at the hour of the angelus.

i, who am birthed in solitude
bared for these luxuries where only you intrude.
what is it to make complete?

a remembered gesture that you clasp
the two of us one and lost to nature
i dream which is now, what has been nurtured before

oh! a rapture i can no longer conceal
now to all i must reveal!

(a poetess from calbayog, samar, dolorpena espino-panergo wrote in 1958, illustration by dante rosales)

if its any consolation, it was not on a full moon...

2005-07-27T12:41:00.000+08:00

But somebody else had spoken Snape’s name, quite softly.

“Severus…”

The sound frightened Harry beyond anything he had experienced all evening. For the first time, Dumbledore was pleading.

Snape said nothing, but walked forward and pushed Malfoy roughly out of the way. The three Death Eaters fell back without a word. Even the werewolf seemed cowed.

Snape gazed for a moment at Dumbledore. And there was revulsion and hatred etched in the harsh lines of his face.

“Severus…please…”

A friend told me something like this is about to happen. You have been prepared for this, I told myself. Its not as if it came as a surprise…but I still cried.

And as I go through the last few chapters of you-should-not-ask-how-much book 6, I still can’t believe it. I was expecting, hoping, and yes, even I was surprised, praying that a twist somewhere will change what happened to the headmaster.

I will surely miss his robe; it’s my favorite. I think I am more affected than Harry. I feel the loss. I can’t imagine Hogwarts without its headmaster. I can’t imagine the Order of Phoenix without its leader…I can’t imagine Harry Potter without Albus Dumbledore.

Why should it have to be in the hands of Severus Snape, the man he trusted so much? Dumbledore should know better, shouldn’t he? Worse, Harry was put in a helpless position, feebly watching the grim incident under the invincibility cloak. He could’ve done something.

As I close the book, an old video file of GMA was being played in the news. “I’m sorry”, she said pertaining to her alleged lapse of judgment. Then, I thought, maybe it’s also a case of lapse of judgment on Dumbledore’s part. Even him can make mistakes, this time he committed an unrectifiable error.

Looking at GMA’ s face on the screen, I can only empathize to Dumbledore. His is a world of wizardly and magic after all. A product of imagination and creativity. And GMA’s case? She’s a reality with a wild imagination and creativity in a desperate attempt to get away from the scandals of her own doing.

I can almost hear Dumbledore saying:

It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting for only then could evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated…

(wala lang, konsensya lang ako kasi sa gitna ng anti-gma campaign nakuha kong pagpuyatan ng dalawang gabi ang librung ito, kaya kailangan kong iraise at ilink, hehehe.)

karugtong ng gabi ang bukang-liwayway

2005-07-22T13:04:00.000+08:00

nagungulila ako ngayon sa iyong kawalan...walang araw na hindi ko binabalikan ang mga panahong iyon na ating pinagsaluhan...malamig ang gabi, kahit pa bilog ang buwan...di bale, binubuhay ako ng pag-asang ang bawat gabi'y liwanag ang patutunguhan...

kahit nangako akong walang pulitika...

2005-07-21T12:58:00.000+08:00

hindi nakamamanhid

ang karahasan

sa bawat latay ng

katawang sugatan

sa hinagpis ng

pamilyang nasunugan

sa bawat inililibing

na bangkay

kalansay na

nahuhukay

sa bawat luhaang

batang nauulila

sisibol ang

pagbabagong-anyo

ng katahimikan

pinakikislap ng

bilog na buwan

ang isang sulok

ng kadiliman

nagbabaga't

naghuhudyat

ng paglaban.

at sa isang masukal

na hardin

kabayaniha'y ihahasik

katarunga'y igigiit!

buwang walang ningning

2005-07-20T14:39:00.000+08:00

kulimlim ang buwan nang huli ko syang nasilayan,
nagtatago sa maabong ulap.
akala ko'y umuulan
dahil nang tingnan ko,
may tubig ang kanyang kabuuan.
nagulat pa ako nang
nang maramandamang

basa ang aking mga mata.

kulimlim ang buwan
kulimlim ang panahon
malungkot ang buhay...
bagaman batid kong

walang kinalaman ang buwan
sa iyong kasinungalingan!

bilog ang b'wan nang sya'y lumisan...

2005-07-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

hindi nagawang
pawiin ng bilog
na b'wang nagdaan
ang kalungkutan
makulimlim
kung ang matang tumitingin
ay nababalot
ng luha't pait.

maraming hatid
na alaala
ang b'wan
at ang kanyang kabuuan.
hugis na bilog
ang tikas
ang kinang

at nang s'ya
nga'y natitigan
ilang gabi ang nagdaan
may kung
anong malamig
na gunitang
bumalot
sa nangungulilang
damdamin.

bakit ba nakaligtaan
na ang sinag
sa kanyang kabilugan
ay lumilikha
ng mga taong-lobo
nagbabagong-anyo
nanununggab
nandaragit
nandarahas
nananakit
nag-iiwan
ng sugat
ng pilat
puso'ng
duguan?

the bridget jones in me

2005-06-12T23:42:00.000+08:00

number of cigarettes smoked: 5
number of times i promised my self i'll quit smoking: 5million and still counting
number of crushes: one, literally and figuratively, big human rights lawyer

i just learned from a friend today that my big mark darcy opts for a tall, alabaster-skinned, sophisticatedly intelligent chick. mmmm, a rebecca…

insecurity triggered, my confidence sunk to its lowest level upon hearing those qualifications.

i looked at myself in the mirror. i am barely 5-feet and most of the time, mistaken as a kid. modern technology may help me at least gain some more inches to grow taller, but would i have the guts to try it? much more, afford it? nahh, hopeless.

intelligent? if he considers wit as intelligence, maybe i’ll pass in this category. but, i can never be proud of my scholastic standing. i’m your typical student who crams and studies the night before examinations and depends on stored knowledge during recitation. @&*#!, sometimes i even misspell some words in my diary…tsk tsk talk about too much dependence on that F7 key in my computer. baaaad.

alabaster-skinned? my mother is always being regarded as mestiza, but the only thing I inherited from her is my flat chest!

SEXY? God, why have you forsaken me?!

i used another tactic; i lay down on my bed, closed my eyes and pictured myself as a tall, sophisticatedly intelligent and sexy woman with my skin glowing in the dark and my big mark darcy looking at me with admiration. i found it difficult to recognize my face, though. it’s as if a totally different woman has taken over the scene. grrrr! even illusions are against me! (sigh…)

yes, i am a Bridget Jones, insecure and semi-neurotic. only, i’m the underweight version. however, i want to believe, i share Bridget‘s most important quality - self-respect. it is the best virtue I got from my family. it teaches me to come out dignified even in the most complicated and embarrassing moments.

“remember when you were bullied by an ex-policeman-looking taxi driver and he threatened to kill you if his license was confiscated after you told him you would report him for overcharging? you were terrified. but you ended up arriving at your destination and riding for free. you went out of the taxi, walked out on him gracefully and he never came after you.” it's me talking to myself. i didn’t mean anything bad against the driver i just wanted to get rid of him immediately, and in the process forgot to pay my fare.

self respect checks my insecurities and slaps me every now and then back to reality. it makes me realize that it’s not the end of the world if shortcomings come along the way. it makes me appreciate life’s complexity and teaches me to simply deal with it. it’s as if I am looking at the world with self-righteousness but then remembers to wear my humility shades.

self-respect leads to love of one’s self that leads to loving others that leads to selfless love. this is one cycle in life that needs practice and mastery which is bounded of never-ending trial and error, but with lessons learned, will always be elevated on a higher level.

with self respect in mind, i looked at the mirror again and borrowed these words from Bridget: “i am a woman of substance”. i may not be tall, but i look at things far above the ground. and relate with people objectively.

i may not be academically intelligent, but i gain wisdom from experience and deals with life’s contradictions with poise and level-headedness.

i might have a slightly fair-complexion, but with skin-deep personality. sexiness? nah, it’s just a matter of projection!

my big mark darcy can go spend all his life looking for the perfect somebody, or he may already have a particular someone in mind that has all the qualities he enumerated, good luck to him.

meanwhile, as a woman of substance, and with self-respect well in place, i’ll do with what I have leaving room for self-improvement.

i wrote this, sometime in december, 2004...many things have changed...but i still feel like bridget jones.

isang mahabang paliwanag sa text na walang reply...

2005-06-12T21:36:00.000+08:00

buwan
ni mara pl. lanot

kapag ako'y namamanglaw
sa gabing maginaw
nagkukubli ako
sa kweba ng buwan.
humahagibis ang kometa,
bumabagsak ang meteor,
hindi nayayanig
ang aking kaluluwa
dahil napagdaanan ko'y
mga rebolusyon at gyera,
nakarinig na ako ng mga hiyaw
ng mga bata at babaeng ginahasa,
ng nagpapatayan na magkakapatid
dahil lamang sa ginto.

wala akong masisid na
dagat na mas malalim pa
sa aking pagkagimbal.
wala akong masilungang
puno na mas matayog
sa gumuhong tahanan
at nawasak na hardin.
wala akong mahanap na hayop
na hindi natakot
sa lambat at pana.
mistulang umaasok na kalan
sa nagngingitngit na araw
sa mundong ibabaw.
pero hindi ko maiwasang mahalin
ang tao at makilahok sa gulo
at umasa ng umasa.

kaya kailangan paminsan-minsan
mapag-isa kahit isang saglit,
sa tahimikan sa kulimlim na buwan.
hinigop ang umaalsang dagat,
ang munting sapa
at ang umaawit na ilog,
ang larawan ng talon,
ang kapangyarihan ng dilubyo,
ang tubig na simula ng buhay.

doon sa likod ng bwan,
ako matatagpuan
don ako makikilala.

may mahika ang bilog na bwan...

2005-06-06T13:30:00.000+08:00

napamahal na sa akin ang bwan...

sa maraming malulungkot na gabing dumaan sa aking buhay, hindi iilang ulit na pinasaya ako ng kanyang maliwanag na kinang sa kalangitan. anuman ang kanyang hugis, hindi sya pumapalyang magbahagi ng positibong damdamin sa akin, nagpapawi ng lumbay...

" swerte ang bilog na bwan," ang sabi mo, isang gabing naglalakad tayo sa isang masukal na kalsada ng kamaynilaan. tiningala ko ang langit, at sa isang sulok nga nito ay ang bilog na bwan na bagaman kinukubabawan ng ulap ay buong pagmamalaking sumusilay sa kalawakan. nakangiti sya sa akin, kasing tamis ng iyong ngiti nang gabing iyon...

tama ang lola, may mga taong nababaliw kapag sumasapit ang bilog na bwan...nang gabing iyon, sumambulat ang aking katinuan...naglabasan ang lahat ng mga mambabarang, mga engkatanto, engkantada...ang mga mangkukulam na naghahalakhakan. nilapitan ako ng isa at binulungan -

napapamahal na ba sya sayo?

napaiyak ako't napabungisngis bilang kasagutan...at salamat sa bilog na bwan, sinabayan ako sa aking kabaliwan.