addendum

addendum to my last will and testament

i will leave sofia of my chopsticks collection to remind her of dinner dates we shared as stress-relievers. i want her to know i do appreciate her friendship...

umalis ka na kanina

bakante na ang kabilang kwarto ng bahay. anim na bwan na pala ang nakaraan. parang kaylan lang ng sinundo ka namin sa airport. nagsalo tayo sa isang hapunan at kinumpleto mo ang cast ng bahay na yon sa isang sulok ng brgy. pinyahan.

umalis ka na kanina...dala mo ang mga gamit na halos walang nadagdag nang ikaw ay dumating. malungkot, mabigat sa kalooban.

maraming naganap sa anim na bwan, away, tampuhan, alaskahan, inisan...pero sa kabila non, nagbabati, nagtatawanan, nag-uusap, nag-aagapayan, isa ka nang kaibigan, katulong sa buhay na itong hindi pangkaraniwan.

mami-miss kita. mami-miss ka namin. sino na ang bibili ng tubig? ng pandisal, mag-iinit ng tubig pangkape? sino na ang magbabayad ng kuryente? sino na ang tatao sa bahay, magsasaing at magtatapon ng basura?

alam kong sa iyong paglisan, baon mo ang mga alaalang ito na ating pinagsaluhan sa kapirasong bahagi ng ating buhay. isang saglit ngunit buong-buhay na mamamalagi sa atin bilang karansan. katulad din naming, hindi ka na makakalimutan.

umalis ka na kanina...ang sabi mo sa akin, isang araw paiiyakin mo ko. sumpa mo, gaganti ka sa lahat ng pang-aalaska ko sayo at pipikunin mo ko. kanina, naiyak ako sa tahimik mong paglisan...

morbidity

panay-panay na naman ang pananakit ng likod ko. stress, puyat siguro. wakanabitch kasing yosi na hindi kayaning once and for all ay i-give up. anyways, times like this, i am again hit by morbidity. it seems as if there’s a small voice inside me that says: mamamatay ka na, mangku!

it’s not that i am afraid of death. that’s one thing i learned from my mother, there is nothing to be afraid of death because it is as natural as giving birth. her exact words, pinaghahandaan ito, hindi kinatatakutan.

i still don’t want to die yet. but if it’s something inevitable i think i am prepared, i have my last will and testament all ready.

MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

i, awit guerrerro, bestow the following as my last will and testament…

have my body cremated because witches do die in burning. as a modern witch, i will be burned in a cheerful atmosphere. accessorize the funeral garden where the cremation will take place with red and white flowers combined with orange, blue and yellow balloons. have my cremation at dawn on the 8th day of my death. jazz music of norah jones can provide the solemnity. however, during the sprinkling of my dust in front of our church, i want it changed in 80’s new wave music.

my friends and loved ones are allowed to cry only on the first day of my wake. i want the rest of it to be festive and jubilant because i lived a good life and that my death is just a conclusion of this beautiful life i had…

i want the parangal to be done on the last night of my wake. It should have the theme: life is beautiful especially if devoted to struggle for liberation and serving the people. it should reflect the passion, death and resurrection of a petty-b individual to a trying hard proletarian until the last breath. no massleaders are allowed to speak on my parangal, exceptions to those who have become my friends in the movement. i want the program to be divided in parts: 1: my pre-movement life; 2: my life in the movement 3: my struggles to remould and make my self worthy of my commitment 4: how will my comrade-friends remember me 5: my dreams and aspirations to the movement, to my society and to world in general (tipong articulated as challenges ko).

if my family is willing, i want the casket be made of glass, and my body be surrounded of big sunflowers.

i will leave all my diaries to joshua de luna, the best friend i had who i know loves me just the way i am (siguro kasi mahal ko rin sya the way he is) provided that he’ll encode everything, edit ( basta grammatical and choice of words lang ang gagalawin, the style of writing will be maintained at lahat ng angst and side comments!) and have it published as an autobiography book. on the otherhand, i am giving him full independence to write the acknowledgement (under bea's supervision hehe) provided he’ll mention the people i hated most (kasi kahit papa’no these people challenged me to be a better person.)

i will leave all my frames with my pictures in it and my jazz cd collections to beatriz, provided she’ll claim in my parangal that i am the bestest friend she had and have gohan sing and dedicate it to lucky mommy.

i will leave ada my accessories (i.e. bracelets, anklets, dangling earrings and bags) provided she’ll not utter the words “ i love you” when she speaks in my parangal.

i will leave cielo my kikay kits, to remind her of my infamous advise: if you look good, you feel good and if you feel good, you’ll look good (in other words, friend, hindi ka kagandahan, kaya mag-effort ka.)

i will leave my sun wall clock to reggie, to remind her of the times I have been a friend to her and to provide her of some light to her life.

i will leave lila all my feel-good-vcd’s para maalala nya na ako parati ang kasama nyang nanonood ng sine na kahit comedy ang palabas ay iniiyakan nya, especially kung ang eksena na ay magtatapat na ng pag-ibig ang bidang lalake sa bidang babae…

my pangjaporms blouses, and pants plus, my bayo sneakers (na paborito nyang suot) are for an-an (my housemate), for i know she feels beautiful in it, provided na magsisipag na syang maglinis ng bahay and that she’ll not cry during my parangal.)

i will leave my books on women and women liberation and empowerment to hoho, also a housemate. i hope with these books, he’ll learn to appreciate the real essence of gender equality. that way, lalaya din sya.

my cellphone is for sandino so that he’ll know na wala akong binuburang message nya for the last three months, at texts nya parati ang ina-anticipate ko. that his texts have been part of my system already and that my day is not complete without them. i also will leave him of my full moon and sun collections to remind him that after that night together under the full moon, i never looked at it the same way again.

i will leave bong, also known as voldemort, most of my beautiful pictures with no provision at all. la lang, gusto ko lang na multuhin sya ng alaala ko. if spirits are for real, i want to test these on him, i’ll get back on him when i die, hihigitin ko ang kanyang mga paa at anupa mang pwedeng higitin sa kanya!

i will leave all my kitchen equipment to pepe, benjie, sachem, and gunggung (on a first come first serve basis), provided they’ll organize a foundation under my name, in the spirit of comradeship and friendship.

i will leave all my remaining pants and blouses, plus my sandals and shoes and my jackets and sweaters to chenchen and ansie, my beloved cousins, eheste, nieces pala.

all my literary attempts and masterpieces will be for ria. i know, only she can appreciate those things bilang talento.

this will shall be read immediately after my death with all the people concerned present. and my testament on a full moon, habang nag-iinuman basta’t hindi ako ang pupulutanin.

bequeath on this day, september 8, 2005

sa mga mangkus ng makabagong panahon...

bitter herb

if you would poison your mind
with bitter herb of self-hate,
nothing can save you;
not the lover who comes in the night
smelling of pitch and brimstone,
not the husband who comes in the light
smelling of hay and the golden turds of mares,
not the mother with the posioned apple,
not the daughter with her wreaths of roses and opium poppies
not the sister with her rosemary sue
not the brother with the mandrake root.

havingg driven out the demons of the past
we find them now within
no witches burn in the market
but our minds resolve upon their own spitits;
no crucifixion upon calvary
but a daily torture in the hills of the skull
no smell of burning female flesh upon the heath;
but the acrid odor of the ehart slowly smoldering.

what witchcraft will it take
to bend this world to our will?
must we burn poisonous herbs
to kill the poisons in the streams?
must we wear poultices of henbane
and deadly nightshade
against the very air?

o take this garlic rosary,
this taken of death's breath,
this possessed vegetable.
this bulb of dried desire.
i am sick of haunting myself
from within like an old house.
i would be happier
as a haunted witch.

dahil nandyan ka nga...pero parang wala

"alien always and always present, it never leaves me, a dumb, invinsible, bodiless presence, constant witness to my life. it does not talk to me but i, at times, hear what its silence tell me: that afternoon you began to be yourself - when you discovered me you discovered your absence, your hollow; you discovered yourself. you now know: you are lack and quest." octavio paz